but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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