Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Terrible idea I love it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
