What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
