So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
