Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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