making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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