I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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