i think my tv is drunk
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
