omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
