i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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