I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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