Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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