Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
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Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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