I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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