please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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