I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
