you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
