Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
