when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
