i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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