I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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