Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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