I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
