Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
