Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
