Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
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Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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