If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
