i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
