apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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