I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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