If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
