No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
