no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
