if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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