I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
