he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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