I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You've changed since you got that strap on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
