I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
