Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
