There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
