Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
