Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
