Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
