Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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