sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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