alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
