did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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