Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
