my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
