Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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