you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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