I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
