found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
