Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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