Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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