Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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