I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
