Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
