I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sobbing to NWA
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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