thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
