also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
