You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
