I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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